Quinnternal Ramblings
by Politics.and.Prose
Summary: Quinn looks at a photo and remembers how it was.


She stared at the framed picture on her dresser with both disdain and longing. Wasn't that the way it was supposed to be? The three of them, the popular girls, happy and on top? Wasn't she supposed to date the most popular guy in school and win Homecoming and Prom and whatever other royalty titles were possible?

She didn't really care who her boyfriend was so long as he was popular. Sure, she told Finn that she loved him and maybe she did. Maybe she loved him in all the wrong ways and never the right way – not like Rachel did – and maybe that was why she couldn't hold onto him. Maybe he never really loved her either.

Maybe they loved each other for the same reasons.

Nevertheless, she should have had a popular boyfriend who was on top of the school. She was supposed to be head cheerleader and the girl everyone wanted to be or date.

She should certainly not have been the girl sitting home alone on a Saturday night in the middle of summer while all of the paired-up glee clubbers were on a however-many date.

She hated Finn, in that instant, for caring about someone who wasn't her.

She hated Mr. Schuester, too, for starting glee club again.

But most of all she hated herself for hating them at all.

She had no excuses. None. Some would say she brought this upon herself. She cared too much about her status and her popularity and a stupid crown than she did about other peoples' feelings.

She knew she could have had love, real love, if she hadn't looked at him and seen nothing but regret. She was wrong and she knew it but she couldn't look at him every day and see the mistake she made and the baby they made and the boy that would never be the man she wanted him to be.

Puck was callous and cruel and downright disgusting. He did whatever he wanted to do without any regard for anyone's feelings.

She hated that she always had to add an _except when it came to me_ at the end of every mean thought she had about him.

She didn't know how she got from a picture of her, Santana and Brittany to how pissed she was at Puck for loving her (and wasn't that _really_ all she wanted?) but she wanted to get the hell away from those thoughts as soon as possible.

She didn't want to feel what she felt for him because it was easier to ignore him than to be with him. Because they fought. They fought a lot. And it wasn't the Finn-and-Rachel-not-including-the-breakup kind of fights either. It was screaming, yelling, crying (on her part), cussing (on his part), throwing things, knock-down-drag-out fights that should end relationships and friendships and acquaintances for good. But they both kept coming back.

She finally started ignoring him when Sam became top dog.

She really should have just forgotten about the popularity thing but she couldn't. She had so much to live up to.

Frannie was the princess. She did everything right. Perfect 4.0, perfect hair, perfect attendance. Head cheerleader. Prom and homecoming queen.

And her parents just loved her more. She could tell.

So before high school she decided to make a change and it _worked_. She watched everyones as she roamed the halls freshman year, picking out who would make it and who wouldn't. She immediately bonded with Santana and her friend Brittany and the rest was, as the clichés say, history.

And then there was adorable, innocent, naïve Finn Hudson.

But he would never be enough and she knew it. She knew Daddy and Mom would love him and he was athletic and the star, so she convinced him he wanted to date her and they dated.

But then there was Puck and his hands and his voice and she couldn't control herself. She didn't want to.

She really should have controlled her urges better.

But she couldn't change the past, no matter how hard she tried, so she would just have to suck it up and move forward. She would deal with seeing Finn and Rachel together every day when they got back to school (if they lasted that long – one of them was bound to screw it up again eventually) and she would deal with Puck and Lauren.

Ridiculous as it was.

She thought about trying for Sam again but he was homeless right now and while there was nothing wrong with that, if anyone outside the glee club found out she was dating a kid who lived in a hotel it would be humiliating.

And she'd had enough humiliation for a lifetime.

She shook herself from her thoughts and glanced to the picture again, her eyes narrowed.

Maybe all they needed was a summer off to recharge and allow the world to right itself. And then she and Santana and Brittany could walk back onto the Cheerios and take their school back.

All she had to do was bide her time.

Something good was bound to happen sooner or later. She'd had a pretty crappy year so things could only get better.

And if she should be back in her rightful place on top of the pyramid and the social ladder? Well then that would just be icing on the cake.


End file.
